Friday, July 30, 2010

Sons and Fathers II: 50 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son:

I have been thinking very much lately about fatherhood, companionship and all the other the nuptial spin-offs. I wondered about what kind of Father I would like to be, t what kind of man I would want him to be, what schools, his favorite expressions, his favorite experiences, his preferred colour, hit "type" of girl. 
I thought about whether I should ever teach him how to be a player, or whether my aversion to violence would affect his instinctive drive for speed, gore and  violence, whether when its all said and done he will look at me and say "You did a good job, old man", whether I was just feeding my "God" complex [a term coined by an cougar ex who thought I demanded too much from my women because I always demand they worship me], whether the fact that I couldn't hold down a relationship was triggering a nascent memory and hence this overwhelming return to innocence.

But in the end, it was the thought that even if I am right, even if every woman I ever told I loved was jaded because the Spartakuss will do that to you, even if I was just hallucinating because of a temporary lapse in testosterone, I wanted another son. For vanity, for justice, for the chance to prove that I can get it right, to make the woman who would have chosen me as her mate happy, but most of all, because I am not so vain to think, that this awesomeness that i have belongs to me. After all, all the great and truly breathtaking things I know, I was taught by some "father".

So here is the list of 50 Things I would teach my son in no particular order, starting with the first 25.

1.       How to find and taste a good beer
A wreath Kolsch Beer - LA Times of Kölsch.Image via Wikipedia

2.       How to be respectful to women.

3.       The value in honesty and hard work

4.       Why its important to be passionate about sport

5.       Sampling for good and timeless music

6.       Who was Martin Luther King and who was Barack Obama?

7.       Driving in hell; Kampala,  Uganda

8.       How to ride a bicycle

9.       How to change a flat tyre

10.   How to fix a broken pipe

11.   How to change a blown bulb

12.   How to shake it after  No. 1

13.   Why birds are able to fly and men can’t.

14.   Who was Lance Armstrong, Michael Schumacher and hopefully if he ever asks, Tiger Woods.

15.   Why we pray even though we seem well off.

16.   The value of an honest investment

17.   The bond of a man’s word.

18.    Why Michael Jackson as misunderstood by the world and still thought of as a legend.

19.   Who exactly was Delilah and did Samson really just sleep on her lap?

20.   The reason we vote even though it brings no change

21.   Why women always chase after young men who seem focused on everything not them

22.   That brilliance is not being the first in class but giving it your best.

23.   That loyalty is more important than love or trust.

24.   Why he lets mummy shout at him, sometimes.

25.   Why it is not very wise to shoot the neighbours’ cat and dogs sometimes because karma is a bitch!

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 3

In this running series we here at Spartakuss now unload part 3 of an insightful, revealing, and exciting series. I'll keep running this column from time to time as time, experience and pussy permit. 

9.  Have a Regular Routine: I once saw this one in a movie. The quintessential playboy will have things in his life that “cannot” be moved. They can range from attending 9:00AM mass, to always having Sunday lunch at your parents’, to “I always have my first dates at…”, or “on Mondays I only drink 2 beers”. It has to be a quirk that makes you distinct. Why? Because no matter what happens, when you are “known” to have quirks, breaking them for someone always gives them a sense of “power” over you. Good quirks built wonderful behaviours like being out of bed before sunrise, always opening doors for your dates, seeking to pleasure more than you are pleasured, always buying air time before you got bed, watching half Price Tuesday movies, buying fresh market produce. They build strong character attributes and define the resolve the man needs to build the substance of himself. The Man's biggest challenge today is to be the kind of man he is required to be without the requisite self-reflection. Look inside, built 2 traits. They might even be to always wank off before you get with a chic so your first round takes longer or  don't sleep with chic until you have seen what she looks like fresh outta bed. This is a great source of emotional capital which will always be helpful in the future when tackling your “uncompromising behavior”
    9.  Be uncompromising: Sitting down and thinking about what you want out of life and people is very key to maintaining your position of strength and control. A man who controls what he says/does and is generally very firm with himself and the people around him is considered attractive. 
     Not only to the women in his life but also to the women who he has kept out of his life by virtue of his firmness. Sure they will cry arrogance and prudish behavior but in the end they will deal with the fact that if he doesn’t know you, he has no obligations to you.  His ability to choose who he exposes his person to, his selection of how he spends his time but mostly the rigour that he addresses himself with subconsciously communicates to women that he is "in control", which is also very attarctive.  
     Under this guise, you can be bigoted, brutal, judgmental and even obnoxious just because you are thinking something about someone and your principal is to call it like you see it. most people will use it o create humoour and  enhance social experiences. The shock and horror of meeting an “honest” guy induces an intoxicating feeling of need for “repeated exposure”. Also because you have stated something as something “ you don’t do”, no one will ever force you to do it and on the other hand when you eventually end up doing it, you’ll get credit for doing something you don't do. Now you know why I don’t do weddings.  
    10.Be Good at Something: It is not just enough to have a penis or a vagina as your life tool of choice. Even though you could, some people argue that it wears thin after use in various positions and insertions. It is good to have a skill; cooking, an extra  language, drawing, playing an instrument, your work, figures and numbers, travel, health. Something that people who know you, whether they hate you or like you know as  a fact! You only have to do it really well. This makes you a social accessory and whenever you are called on to step up, you choose your strength and exert it ruthlessly. Step on toes if you must but ensure that you are absolutely impeccable. It becomes a touch point; like a blinding white light to which moths get drawn. This will draw lots of trash of course, but it increases your sample space to select the truly fine butterflies. Also it helps you be more than just a pretty face. Naturally it would be more advantageous if you were good at more than one thing!  
    11. Be Predictably Unpredictable: While most people resonate with the idea of being unpredictable, they often take it as a sign of being dodgy… And it is. Stable, attractive men are predictable. 
    • They have a semblance of routine. The reason why young girls get with older, mature, married men is not only because of the money they get but also because of the fact that they are predictable.  
    • They will not get up one day and run away to Capé Verde with nubile young thing. 
    • They don’t hang out on weekends. 
    • When you bump into them, they will be with their wives and then they will have never seen you. EVER! 
    • They are married men but are seeing you which means they will whine and bitch but that’s predictable because if they were with you and weren’t bitching about their wenches, you’d have a crisis on your hands. 
    What is more generally recommended is to always make your dates on time, and if your date is late the first time say nothing of the matter. On the second date, be there early and if they are still late, text and say you’re gone, leave and switch off your phone. Have a drink and put it back on two hours later. If they call to say they are sorry, you’re home dry, if not it was good riddance to bad trash you didn’t need in your life anyway. Also, a woman who tolerates your constant lateness doesn't consider the damage she is doing to herself - Leave her. What this does is establish a paradigm frame in which a woman’s mind will perceive you. Trust me. It is a good paradigm, unless you are into flippant, rowdy, dirty, unkempt girls.  
    12. Never Ever! Discuss Money: No matter how much you feel close to this woman, discussing your money while it is a powerful selling point in the beginning isn’t exactly the stuff “Lock Stock and Barrel” is made of. This is mainly due to the fact that life is capricious and unpredictable. Knowing that there are some people for whom you will go the distance and there are others for whom you will not lift a finger is essential in determining who knows whether your finances are in order or not. Information is power and knowing that about you gives people power. The girl of your dreams will not walk into your life and ask for something you could easily afford if she doesn’t know who or what you are/have. On the other hand once you are pegged, it lowers your game status, since you are considered "decoded", and eventually your general ranking. Not discussing money also enables you to talk unfettered about your dreams and things you would like to accomplish; painting the dream, vision and horizon as, and how you like.
    .... T.B.C. 

    Friday, July 23, 2010

    The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 2

    No matter where you go, people of the world behave the same. This is sometimes accredited to their personality types. Nearly every other girl you talk to will tell you are some type of personality type or other. Sometimes they will mix you up and therefore someone will have the balls to say you are melo-sanguine. I maintain that people are the same in the way they deal with normal human relations. Its just the way we interpret their reactions that affects the way we see them.
    From the last article dealing with how to spot if your chic is an infidel from a mile away, this week I put forward my thoughts on how to be truly, phenomenally untamed and. Uncaught.

    6. Know your food points: Any player worth their salt knows their food points. One, because they have been out on so many dates that by sheer endurance they have moved the turf. I have a friend whose rule is this “If I take a girl out to eat ice-cream, she is going down!” it doesn’t matter how he does it, she has to eat his cream before she eats his ice cone! General prudence will recommend that you know at least Chinese, Thai, Italian, French, and African continental places. In Kampala, that’s basically all of them! Knowing how much these places charge off-head will always avert the dilemma of being caught out without enough cash but more importantly the psychological scarring that comes from those kinds of situations.

    7. Know your coffee houses: Unlike my friend above, you don’t want to ever be pinned as a routine fellow. Common practice dictates that a lady never expose herself to a guy for extended periods of time if she doesn’t know him well; even if her friends vouch for him. As a result of this, most first dates will be coffee dates. So knowing your coffee houses and price range estimates will definitely help you direct those awkward situations where she asks you to choose where to go. The main benefit is, for example, a single Mocha at Javas Café is a cool 6,000/= while the same badly made, poorly measured, and not as great cup of Mocha at Café Pap is 8,500/=!! You need to know these subtleties in case she [EVER]wants to eat cake!! If she decides to eat, know the full range of available, easy-to-reach, ambient spaces. Never screw up the coffee date. It helps if you know a waiter’s name.

    8. Be absolutely nonchalant about your phone: Being finicky about your cell phone triggers a red flag for women. Passwords, codes, Pins, or other access-restrictive measures to your phone always niggle and eventually set off psychotic behavior like a bitch checking your phone while you’re away. Be generous with your phone, be honest about when it does or does not have airtime. But most importantly, name every person in your phone by their full names. Why? Because if Melanie Ssali checks your phone and she finds Nakigembbe Emilie, she almost automatically assumes an unpretty, lanky, ugly woman, and therefore not too much competition. It also tends to glide over smoothly rather than Sasha or Shaniqua alone! The one thing you absolutely cannot afford to also do is be touchy, excited or even curious about her phone. It will precipitate interest in your phone.

    .... (TBC)

    Tuesday, July 20, 2010

    The Rules To Being a Player…. Part 1

    1.       Sensitivity about your phone: Be wary of the bird that is conscious about your phone. She knows when who calls and is always looking out for excuses for it to ring so she can “give” it to you. Not before looking at who is calling. This will trigger sensibilities and make you nervous but what will probably make anyone really nervous will be if you pretend to get into her phone. Have it in your hand when she walks into the room, when she asks you whether she can have it say you are still using it, when she says she wants to make a call give her you phone and tell her to use your phone.

    2.       Reference to friends in abstract terms: Anyone who refers to their friends in abstract terms, in generalities, and talks about them in broad strokes is more likely to be lying. This is because people who are close to us are so deeply ingrained in our psyche that often we can’t talk about them generally. When we talk about them, we normally like to set the context and have the story properly understood, so we’ll tell long stories just so the person we are talking about is understood. People who talk in generalities about a lot of people, are not necessarily indifferent, but might actually be withholding information, so you need to be careful what you are saying.

    3.       The 10 foot rule: I dated this girl who once said to me while at the cinema, “Spartakuss, you are applying the 10 foot rule!” when I asked what she meant, she said “It’s when you put an abnormal distance [10 feet] between yourself and me whenever we are in public”. I looked at her, standing in the elevator, before it closed me on the outside. I walked the rest of the way downstairs and found her waiting. It’s not being paranoid, but if whenever you are in public with someone and they seem to put inordinate spatial distances between you and them, watch it!

    4.       The friends rule: Contrary to what most people say/think, a salacious partner will introduce you to the core network of their friends. This circle will include “the boys”, “my buddies”, the now famous “so-and-so’s girlfriend” and the “I-know-her-from-somewhere”.   The last two are where the demon is. Keep your man’s friends close but his friends’ girlfriends closer. The reverse of this rule is to keep your friends away from whoever you are dating. They can hear about them but there should never be any obligations for the two to be introduced. Why? Because in fact as human beings we are inherently selfish, and a friend of mine once said you’d rather be “wisely selfish” than “selfishly wise”.

    5.       Your favourite restaurant: I was once seated at my favourite coffee restaurant, talking with the manager, when through the corner of my eye, she appeared. I hesitated, turned, smiled and beckoned that she should come over and be introduced. As she was coming, the manger looked at me and smiled, he was beginning to form the words around his mouth, “She is the new…”. I quickly said bye, left and met her half way across the restaurant where we sat down. I wasn’t going to stand for that whole “There’s a new one?” talk!! Before you share your space [read favourite restaurant] be sure the waiters, waitresses, and managers at the restaurant are on your side. Always.

    Monday, July 19, 2010

    The Rules To Being a Player

    Last week I listened to Rick Dee’s countdown of the greatest hits of the decade on Touch 95‘N’9. I couldn’t believe some of the music he had on there. Some really cool stuff. Anyway somewhere between hit number 12 and hit number 11, Ashley calls in form somewhere in California and this is how the conversation goes
    Ashley: “Hi Rick, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I was wondering if you can tell me how I can confirm this.”
    RD: “Well, Ashley, these are absolutely 5 ways to know if your boyfriend is cheating on you.
    1.       There is no longer any intimacy between you and him, either emotionally or physically.
    2.       He never answers his phone when you are with him.
    3.       He doesn’t communicate with you as often as he used to.
    4.       He is suddenly irritable and easily offended.
    5.       He is suddenly less predicatble.
    Well, Ashley, I hope we were able to answer your question right there. What made you think your boyfriend was cheating on you?
    Ashley: “Thanks, Rick. …ahhh nothing I just found him in the shower with my sister”
    I got to thinking, what it is about a cheating guy that does give him away. In a recent relationship, she came back from a night out with her friends in the middle of the night. While I snored away she checked my phone, and in there saw material that was the cause of a fractious discussion.
    She asked closed ended questions like “Are you seeing someone else?” in classic Spartakuss style, I replied, “I don’t answer close ended questions”. She felt this was too arrogant. She figured because she and checked my phone and found “evidence” she’d got it right, and I should cower in utter despondence.
    She then proceeded to pack all my things all the while muttering under her breath how she had had enough and that she wouldn’t stand to this anymore. With pride and sense of deep admonition I dressed up asked, “Do you expect me to leave now”?
    “You can take your things whenever you want. I’m done with you.”
    As I left, I thought about it, what truly are the hallmarks of a player?
    Ladies and Gentlemen, from Spartakuss Media we present: The Top 15 Signs/Symptoms:

    ...coming soon... 

    Friday, July 9, 2010

    Summer Sandals from the Amazing One Mango tree

    My friend Halle has been up to so much! The people at One mango Tree have been innovating and thinking, resulting in some pretty incredible partnerships and now from the hand made 100% organic fabrics, they now bring you the Sseko sandals.

    Ssekos are sandals produced by a group of beautiful, intelligent young women in central Uganda that have graduated secondary school and want to continue their education into college/university. When you purchase this sandal, you're directly helping to fund and empower these ladies to become successful lawyers, doctors, and professionals. You are planting a seed. The sandals themselves are incredibly easy and the best part is that you're fully capable of creating your own, unique sandal by tying, twisting, and looping the fabric in different ways. Don't worry! We'll feature some upcoming posts with cute, creative ways to tie your Ssekos.

    Find the rest of the article here... 

    To order in Uganda,email here and they can tell you where to buy these amazing sandals from or where they can deliver to you:

    Sunday, July 4, 2010

    Hive Colab Announced in Uganda!: Re-Posted

    Earlier in the day we announced Apps < 4> Africa, a competition for app developers across Africa. Also, today in Uganda, Appfrica Labs in partnership with Project Diaspora, UConnect, and Node Six are also announcing the Hive collaborative workspace in Uganda! 

    "Hive Colab is a collaborative, community owned, open work environment for young tech entrepreneurs looking to focus on projects, to access the computing resources and bandwidth, have a quiet professional environment to develop their ideas in, and to generally collaborate with each other. Something very similar to what our friends are doing with the outstanding iHub in Nairobi.
    It will be a space for nascent application developers to register as freelancers, if they are looking for paying projects..." 

    Read the rest of it here at