Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hostile Take - Overs

I went to attend some church thing recently. Now bro starts talking to me about God and how I view my life. Now to those of you who don't know the Spartakuss very well, I don't do church. Haven't been in a long time. I had made this trip to check out a certain beauty who had floored my wingman.

I walk in, do the tour and then they say 'one-on-one' time.

I look at this guy and say

"So……….." he smiles perches himself on a stool and peers at me through a rimless set of glasses. Looks mindless too.

"What do you want to do with your life?" he asks, seemingly amused. I tell him. I am working on a good master plan, to be the best Spartakuss can ever be and thus shatter the Spartakuss mould; which is based on the premise that i will live a valiant life and die an unrecognized death or be an unsung hero.

"I'll do whatever it is that will make me the best I can be," comes the clipped reply.

Dude looks at me. Perplexed. Yeah right nigger looks like he just got a bolt of lightning running through his trousers. It's so funny. I smile and I decide to tell him my theory on God and why for the time-being he and I are on the back burner.

I am the CEO of a company called 'My Life Ltd. '. I hire and fire. I promote and demote. In this company, I am the only one who molests the secretaries and gets away with it. I am also default head of all committees. However, I currently don't have a planning and budget control committee for the explicit reason that I fired them all. We work as a team, we shine together, numskulls wanted to show me up. The only committee I don't chair by default is the Pleasure and Satisfaction committee.That's handled by visiting experts. When Ceremonies committee meets or is receiving awards, the team effort is shared all around. Very synergy-driven, motivated, and one a man fighting arsenal. This company is built to last.

Let me tell you about this God guy on the other had.

He is the CEO of a large conglomerate called 'The Universe' Intergalactic. He runs his business on a nearly tyrannical business model. He, like me can hire and fire. Where I make small talk with the long-legged interns at the water cooler, dude makes chit chat to raven haired women by the spring, asking them to fetch him water and whatnot. He uses extreme manipulation to get his things sorted out.

Like the one guy he sent on a mission to retrieve a posse of his stock. Agent M gets the flock out of the enemy's territory and then instead of the express pick up train, the CEO decides on another 40 years of wondering while had the mail service deliver pittances in the form of sweet manna. My suspicion is that he didn't have enough remunerations so he wanted to cut down on numbers. Cut-throat I tell you.

And you can't judge me for feeling up young nubile things; ask him what happened with the Nazarene debacle. Dude felt up one intern with NO protection!! ! ! Who does that? And then coz the company threatened to fall apart he pulled the plug on a military plan he was working on to promote the aforesaid intern to be the mother of all mothers. Needless to say the Russian woman who has given birth to 59 kids isn't in the running.

And he is a bully. Its one thing to be insecure, it is another to say "I am a jealous CEO," or God, whatever you guys wanna call it. Did no one tell this guy that guys with small "things" buy big cars and failed fathers announce their arrival at home? He watched as, in middle management the David kid, a mere rookie rocked an age-old stalwart. I think finance failed to process Goliath's pension because of such a quick dispatch. And nobody said a thing.

And because of these and so many more reasons I am not interested in any stock this guy's company has to offer. He will begin talking of kneeling, begging and accountability books. He might even demand I subscribe to the nearest stock broker, who, going by current news might attempt to pulveroize my sphincter. My company is in good shape on any stock market, ask my Auditor. He, on the other hand needs to get his Climate Change, Middle East, Bahima legs, Basoga and PMS departments in shape, damn sectors are bleeding too fucking much.[no pun intended]

But more importantly why I won't even show up to those talks is because he is not interested in talking. He does not talk. He does not do mergers. He does not do splits or reverse-end engineering. He's in the business of hostile take-overs.

*PS: I gotta give the guy kudos for finally growing a pair and taking care of that Michael scenario. That shit could have harmed the worship market.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Fashion Tips

I was reading The Seductress Within and she wrote an article where she said 'women dress for other women and not men.' In giving advice to women who are just dressing to attract men, she put out a couple of pointers on what men really think about "too much clutter".

The line below caught my eye and made laugh very hard.

 If there are too many zippers, ties, buttons, straps…..it's distracting and he will be intimidated thinking of how to get it off of you. Even if you don't want to sleep with him, you want him to imagine it.

I keep thinking about our Kampala fashionistas; all looking skunky and anorexic hanging around Mateos' attempting the hip look.

Friday, June 5, 2009

strong women

It is rumored that Bakiga women are of phenomenal strength. That they can do amazing things; one such tale goes that while tilling the land on the cold windy slopes of Kabale, the angles are so steep sometimes they are almost at 45 degrees.

On these hills they toil, sweat and work to feed their children, and in the end feed the country.

They are my quiet guardians, our silents she-roes.

For God and My country

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The StreetSider…

I am currently reading this guy who is so totally hilarious I am lifting the best quotes from his posts and forming a whole post into them...

In no particular order, I love this guy's adjectival biceps. He flexes them and I have moments...
He reminds of what I want to become, a prolific asshole.

No. 1. As he talks of his Conscience in Pamella

"But the wind never sighs but I feel her gentle eyes turned on me questioning
And the eagle never cries but I hear her spirit in the sky turned to me beckoning
And the moon never beams but I am wafted away on dreams
To a far off land where we walk hand in hand
Talking about the things she never did see,
Talking, murmuring, laughing, talking
Talking till we tire the fire-colored sun back into the sea."

No. 2. His description of his first sighting of the antipop
"Teeth that are pearly gems of glowing exquisiteness, a skin so smooth and delicate when rain drops see themselves sliding off they weep and gnash their teeth, dimples that are bewitching pools of sooty darkness, eyes that turn your knees to toothpaste, curves that make virtual reality look like its not happening."

No. 3. What he thinks of the 27th comrade "When he walks it looks as if 27 hundred gangster leeches are fornicating furiously with his head."

No. 4. His acceptance speech for the Honest Scraps Award given him "
If you could roll this award into a joint and smoke it, you would be guaranteed a front seat at the Holy Ghost Concert with God Almighty shredding guitar and Jesus Christ on drums."

No. 5. "..
. I cannot begin to come close to being in the same constituency as describing the urge to maim and kill that engulfs me when some one mouths such garbage in my direction. It's an urge to do horrible and grossly disfiguring bodily harm. To gash and slash your chest open, rip your filthy heart out and stand over your warm corpse, face and arms covered in gore, cackling insanely at the night sky.

Basically never ask me if I am sure, I don't like it."

No. 6. The way he describes his domain; the Streetside: "... that harsh friendly land of far way-where angels and demons together play-where children are born old and grow young-where the sun is mist and rocks melt on your tongue-where idiots are wise-where philosophers are idiots in disguise and sallow faced regrets stand in line to stare in your eyes

Where the streets are paved with mirrors, and your past is reflected, life is resurrected, reconnected, respected, the journey re-begun, the race re-run, the thread re-spun…

For a child stands on the corner and whispers and if you listen very very carefully you will hear her say, "seek ye the truth and the truth shall set you free, for truth is a pathless land and you cannot reach it if you do not embrace your true self. So follow your instincts, find you inner light and let it be the one to guide you out of the darkness.""

No. 7. Then the guy who messed with him and told him he couldn't take criticism, or was it that he tried too hard: "Fine, let us assume for argument's sake that I am a narcissistic and immature so and so. So what, so was Oscar Wilde and I'd rather be an Oscar Wilde than an emotionally stable socially respectable accountant with a paunchy middle, a house in kitintale and 2.3 kids. Let us also assume, that I am preaching, that I want attention, who doesn't, in fact I don't know why I am even bothering to rationalize this guy's crap, and while I must say I have some measure of respect for a person who can come up with "gigantic self absorbed, self loathing baby", I am still pissed, I didn't even know how pissed I was till a few sentences ago, and when I get pissed, resolutions leap out of my way with amazing alacrity. You better sit tight punk coz the way ama feelin', yo bout to git served.

Now, listen to me carefully Mr. Unctuous Motherfucker With an Axe to Grind. Are you listening? You said you read this blog so I assume you are. You have messed with the wrong nigger, as my uncle Eliah would say, don't take a shit in the path of red ants and then start complaining when at night you feel them biting your scrotum."

No. 8. This whole post: Excerpt III; ON GAYS, FAGGOTS AND HOMO-SHE-XUALS.

No. 9. And somewhere near his very first post; an old classic: The Confused Confuser;... "If I may be so bold sir, I do not think the phrase "confused confuser" accurately captures this dynamic. Even if one could completely disregard the blatant grammatical absurdity of the term, one must admit that at any rate, it is a statement without reasonable paradigms. To confuse, one cannot be confused in oneself, one has to assume that the confusion is a deliberate effort on the part of the confuser and ergo the possibility of her also being confused as she successfully conducts this maliciousness is highly unlikely. On the other hand if it were possible that the confusion sprung out of a prima facie confusion on the part of the confuser, you still could not in all fairness lay any culpability at her door. If anything the resultant confusion on your part (and I say this with the greatest regret) reflects more your unfortunate susceptibility to confusion than it does her predilection to confuse. Either way sir, I am sorry. (Sits)"

Streetsider, I have mad respect for you. Just keep at it, you are hilarious.