Friday, December 10, 2010


The past few days have been a test, a deep inquisistion into the varied tapestry that forms the very fabric on which my existence, not as a man, but as a person, depends.

It is always odd to see myself in this state because everytime i get close calls of this nature, there is about to be a diametric shift in my circumstances. So what happened has moved me from where I was to a point where i never thought i would be.

I stand now as a man without resolution,
a man with elocution

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Next Google Could Be Here

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My Favourite Song of All Time

The Reason (Celine Dion song)Image via Wikipedia
I have been very away. and while i was incarcerated [story for another day] i thought and thought and thought. about my favourite song of all time. the pne track taht makes me stop dead and brings tears to my eyes. and i realised it was a Celine Dion track; the song is "If that what it takes"
below are  the words i love to hear most in the world, in this order:

You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls
You're my light in the dark, you're the place I call home
You can say it's all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside
I see it in your eyes
Even you face the night afraid and alone
That's why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Ev'ry beat of my heart, ev'ry day without end
Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
If that's what it takes

You can sleep in my arms, you don't have to explain
When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name
'Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above
You've given me your love
When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain
That's why I'll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Ev'ry beat of my heart, ev'ry day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need
Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire
When the fear rises up, when the wave's ever higher
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul
I will hold on all night and never let go
Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

If that's what it takes
Every day
If that's what it takes
Every day

Feels nice to be back here. Next post is on cougar town Kampala!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Bank, Competitions & Awards + My Life = This Post

What have I been up to? Well, a lot apparently.

On Thursday 12th I was invited on behalf of Speakers Without Borders to attend a stakeholder workshop hosted by the Bank of Uganda on rolling out a National Financial Literacy and Consumer Protection Education Policy to provide insights gained from working among young people on how to approach “these things”. Basically, the “banks are fucking the consumers” and we need to tell people to avoid getting well, screwed. The discussion ranged from simple things like the cooling off period between loan applications and funds disbursement to the glaring gap in the report on how to actively engage and sustain the financial literacy discussion among the young adults in Uganda despite the sheer weight they exert on the demographic tables.  Also there are over 150,000 Ugandans on Face book. Most of those are not my parents’ age. So, why not?  Use everything available as long as they are getting the message. I gave my two cents there.

On Friday the 13th, I was invited by Mambo Guy, an old buddy who I’ve known for forever, President of the The Lantern Meet, connoisseur of fine things, and architect - to attend the Final presentation of Kitenge Spaces. This cat is really smooth. About a year ago he won a grant from The Youth Action Fund under the auspices of the Open Society Institute (EA) to run a competition for architecture students to design Afro-centric spaces. His belief that architecture is culture and therefore a reflection of our common identity is a debate that’s raged on over the years between him and I. Basically because I think that the spiel that spaces define people is academic hogwash but rather that people define the spaces they live in. Anyway over the course of a year he has had the contestants design and submit objects and space designs to a panel of young and rather erudite architects. This competition is Kitenge Spaces.

Mambo Guy
Yesterday, as I sat at the National Theatre and listened to a young man talk about the communality of the African meal and why, that, of all spaces, should be the most well lit space in the house, I knew that Guy had done it. He’d come from where 3 of us sat 5 years ago and talked about being “that man” and taken the road. “That man” is the guy who does not take what he is given, but rather will consistently, infect, affect and effect everything around him with change; constantly saying “NO! This isn’t enough” and asking for more soup, re-defining his own boundaries, pushing the horizon a little further and, without knowing it, making the lives of many, many people mean so much more. Now the world has to watch out. He is coming.

Later in the evening I attended the Public Relations Association of Uganda (PRAU) Excellence Awards Dinner where they were awarding the best PR campaigns, practitioners, companies, agencies and organizations. In what was an almost serendipitous occasion, URA swept three awards all in the corporate communications category, The “ONE LOVE” Campaign by ZK Advertising for UHMG (the “sexual network” campaign for those of you who don’t know it yet) was voted the Overall Best Campaign of 2009/2010. I for one was happy because having personally worked on the submissions for  and designed the communication materials for two of the winning entries –Best Event PR, The Johnnie Walker Launch in Uganda (covered aptly in this post here but also very well taken care of by Google. Hehe!), and the Best Crisis Management Award for President Lager - a Uganda breweries product that was interdicted right before Christmas last year by Nile Breweries from bottling the product in a long neck bottle.

It’s been very busy but also sexy and exciting; literally sexciting. I drunk texted my ex. She is going to have my head. But who cares. And I lost the keys to my place on Thursday night and so spent the night on the floor outside my place waiting for morning so I could find a locksmith. I’ve been spending a lot of time lately cooking, reading and writing – generally just being alone. It hurts. It hurts so bad. In other news I’ll probably be going away for a while, but that’s news for another day.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ugandan film industry growing up into hilarious trailers!

After reading Matooke Nation's post on Who killed Captain Alex?” purportedly Uganda’s best action movie, I got to thinking; is the Ugandan movie industry really evolving to Nollywood standards? The fact is the concept is great, the execution not so much.
What we really need to be thinking about right now is whether we can be part of the revolution supporting this new creative spurt happening in our little city. As I shared with some of the people in my office we landed on something even more hilarious. This is a movie called Tebatusaasula”. The trailers are very hilarious and I’m very curious to know who is generating this home-grown “ghetto” talent. But there is no denying, the landscape is not going to be the same by the time this year ends.
 I keep thinking Golola Moses should have been casted as the special mercenary.

.....and some white people are just off the hook. For your pleasure

I think some things in life are just too white.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Lyrics: "Dream" By the Everly Brothers....and ugandan music

This is the song in my head at the moment. It reminds me of my  radio DJ days when I was mixing it up on a country show. Been going through some really tough stuff lately. I'm working on the post. Coming soon...

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is, gee whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream

Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream 

...But my computer is playing a really great Ugandan song by Grace Nakimera called "Onyambanga Mukama". A prayer by all standards; something I need right now. Listen to it here

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sons and Fathers II: 50 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son.....Part 2

In this second installment of this series I have been doing some thinking about all the elements that go into making a wonderful , well rounded man. Presenting part 2 of the 50 Things every Father should teach his son:
Father and Son
1.       How to taste a good cup of coffee
2.       The importance of being groomed
3.       The value of being quicker to listen than to speak.
4.       Why men should never speak in anger
5.       The power of being comfortable in one’s own company
6.       White people are not superior to you. That are just people.
7.       Why Chinese products are inferior to anything else
8.       The Ten point response to when your wife is angry about hanging out with the boys.
9.       How to say “It wasn’t me” and mean it.
10.   When to never say to a toddler “ you. Who’s your father?”
11.   Why buyng airtime and jewelery is not a good indicator of how successful one is with the ladies.
12.   How to put razor sharp scuts on your garments.
13.   How far public opinion should dissuade a man from what he wants
14.   If the man is R. Kelly and what he wants involves a 14 year old girl…
15.   The value of saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
16.   Why “Sarah Short” is not exactly short
17.   Where do babies come from…
18.   There isn’t a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow
19.   The greatest story ever told is yet to be written…
20.   The people you love also have people they love!
21.   The word pussy didn’t always mean cat but the word booze has been slang for alcohol since the 1100’s
22.   You have to be willing to try everything at least once in your lifetime.
23.   Alex Ndawula doesn’t ever wear a suit to work. No radio presenter ever does.
24.    The reason why the deodorant industry is a billion dollar industry is because it is actually has a purpose.
25.   In the casino, the house always wins.
Bonus advice:
26.   How to find a good car!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Sons and Fathers II: 50 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son:

I have been thinking very much lately about fatherhood, companionship and all the other the nuptial spin-offs. I wondered about what kind of Father I would like to be, t what kind of man I would want him to be, what schools, his favorite expressions, his favorite experiences, his preferred colour, hit "type" of girl. 
I thought about whether I should ever teach him how to be a player, or whether my aversion to violence would affect his instinctive drive for speed, gore and  violence, whether when its all said and done he will look at me and say "You did a good job, old man", whether I was just feeding my "God" complex [a term coined by an cougar ex who thought I demanded too much from my women because I always demand they worship me], whether the fact that I couldn't hold down a relationship was triggering a nascent memory and hence this overwhelming return to innocence.

But in the end, it was the thought that even if I am right, even if every woman I ever told I loved was jaded because the Spartakuss will do that to you, even if I was just hallucinating because of a temporary lapse in testosterone, I wanted another son. For vanity, for justice, for the chance to prove that I can get it right, to make the woman who would have chosen me as her mate happy, but most of all, because I am not so vain to think, that this awesomeness that i have belongs to me. After all, all the great and truly breathtaking things I know, I was taught by some "father".

So here is the list of 50 Things I would teach my son in no particular order, starting with the first 25.

1.       How to find and taste a good beer
A wreath Kolsch Beer - LA Times of Kölsch.Image via Wikipedia

2.       How to be respectful to women.

3.       The value in honesty and hard work

4.       Why its important to be passionate about sport

5.       Sampling for good and timeless music

6.       Who was Martin Luther King and who was Barack Obama?

7.       Driving in hell; Kampala,  Uganda

8.       How to ride a bicycle

9.       How to change a flat tyre

10.   How to fix a broken pipe

11.   How to change a blown bulb

12.   How to shake it after  No. 1

13.   Why birds are able to fly and men can’t.

14.   Who was Lance Armstrong, Michael Schumacher and hopefully if he ever asks, Tiger Woods.

15.   Why we pray even though we seem well off.

16.   The value of an honest investment

17.   The bond of a man’s word.

18.    Why Michael Jackson as misunderstood by the world and still thought of as a legend.

19.   Who exactly was Delilah and did Samson really just sleep on her lap?

20.   The reason we vote even though it brings no change

21.   Why women always chase after young men who seem focused on everything not them

22.   That brilliance is not being the first in class but giving it your best.

23.   That loyalty is more important than love or trust.

24.   Why he lets mummy shout at him, sometimes.

25.   Why it is not very wise to shoot the neighbours’ cat and dogs sometimes because karma is a bitch!

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 3

In this running series we here at Spartakuss now unload part 3 of an insightful, revealing, and exciting series. I'll keep running this column from time to time as time, experience and pussy permit. 

9.  Have a Regular Routine: I once saw this one in a movie. The quintessential playboy will have things in his life that “cannot” be moved. They can range from attending 9:00AM mass, to always having Sunday lunch at your parents’, to “I always have my first dates at…”, or “on Mondays I only drink 2 beers”. It has to be a quirk that makes you distinct. Why? Because no matter what happens, when you are “known” to have quirks, breaking them for someone always gives them a sense of “power” over you. Good quirks built wonderful behaviours like being out of bed before sunrise, always opening doors for your dates, seeking to pleasure more than you are pleasured, always buying air time before you got bed, watching half Price Tuesday movies, buying fresh market produce. They build strong character attributes and define the resolve the man needs to build the substance of himself. The Man's biggest challenge today is to be the kind of man he is required to be without the requisite self-reflection. Look inside, built 2 traits. They might even be to always wank off before you get with a chic so your first round takes longer or  don't sleep with chic until you have seen what she looks like fresh outta bed. This is a great source of emotional capital which will always be helpful in the future when tackling your “uncompromising behavior”
    9.  Be uncompromising: Sitting down and thinking about what you want out of life and people is very key to maintaining your position of strength and control. A man who controls what he says/does and is generally very firm with himself and the people around him is considered attractive. 
     Not only to the women in his life but also to the women who he has kept out of his life by virtue of his firmness. Sure they will cry arrogance and prudish behavior but in the end they will deal with the fact that if he doesn’t know you, he has no obligations to you.  His ability to choose who he exposes his person to, his selection of how he spends his time but mostly the rigour that he addresses himself with subconsciously communicates to women that he is "in control", which is also very attarctive.  
     Under this guise, you can be bigoted, brutal, judgmental and even obnoxious just because you are thinking something about someone and your principal is to call it like you see it. most people will use it o create humoour and  enhance social experiences. The shock and horror of meeting an “honest” guy induces an intoxicating feeling of need for “repeated exposure”. Also because you have stated something as something “ you don’t do”, no one will ever force you to do it and on the other hand when you eventually end up doing it, you’ll get credit for doing something you don't do. Now you know why I don’t do weddings.  
    10.Be Good at Something: It is not just enough to have a penis or a vagina as your life tool of choice. Even though you could, some people argue that it wears thin after use in various positions and insertions. It is good to have a skill; cooking, an extra  language, drawing, playing an instrument, your work, figures and numbers, travel, health. Something that people who know you, whether they hate you or like you know as  a fact! You only have to do it really well. This makes you a social accessory and whenever you are called on to step up, you choose your strength and exert it ruthlessly. Step on toes if you must but ensure that you are absolutely impeccable. It becomes a touch point; like a blinding white light to which moths get drawn. This will draw lots of trash of course, but it increases your sample space to select the truly fine butterflies. Also it helps you be more than just a pretty face. Naturally it would be more advantageous if you were good at more than one thing!  
    11. Be Predictably Unpredictable: While most people resonate with the idea of being unpredictable, they often take it as a sign of being dodgy… And it is. Stable, attractive men are predictable. 
    • They have a semblance of routine. The reason why young girls get with older, mature, married men is not only because of the money they get but also because of the fact that they are predictable.  
    • They will not get up one day and run away to Capé Verde with nubile young thing. 
    • They don’t hang out on weekends. 
    • When you bump into them, they will be with their wives and then they will have never seen you. EVER! 
    • They are married men but are seeing you which means they will whine and bitch but that’s predictable because if they were with you and weren’t bitching about their wenches, you’d have a crisis on your hands. 
    What is more generally recommended is to always make your dates on time, and if your date is late the first time say nothing of the matter. On the second date, be there early and if they are still late, text and say you’re gone, leave and switch off your phone. Have a drink and put it back on two hours later. If they call to say they are sorry, you’re home dry, if not it was good riddance to bad trash you didn’t need in your life anyway. Also, a woman who tolerates your constant lateness doesn't consider the damage she is doing to herself - Leave her. What this does is establish a paradigm frame in which a woman’s mind will perceive you. Trust me. It is a good paradigm, unless you are into flippant, rowdy, dirty, unkempt girls.  
    12. Never Ever! Discuss Money: No matter how much you feel close to this woman, discussing your money while it is a powerful selling point in the beginning isn’t exactly the stuff “Lock Stock and Barrel” is made of. This is mainly due to the fact that life is capricious and unpredictable. Knowing that there are some people for whom you will go the distance and there are others for whom you will not lift a finger is essential in determining who knows whether your finances are in order or not. Information is power and knowing that about you gives people power. The girl of your dreams will not walk into your life and ask for something you could easily afford if she doesn’t know who or what you are/have. On the other hand once you are pegged, it lowers your game status, since you are considered "decoded", and eventually your general ranking. Not discussing money also enables you to talk unfettered about your dreams and things you would like to accomplish; painting the dream, vision and horizon as, and how you like.
    .... T.B.C. 

    Friday, July 23, 2010

    The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 2

    No matter where you go, people of the world behave the same. This is sometimes accredited to their personality types. Nearly every other girl you talk to will tell you are some type of personality type or other. Sometimes they will mix you up and therefore someone will have the balls to say you are melo-sanguine. I maintain that people are the same in the way they deal with normal human relations. Its just the way we interpret their reactions that affects the way we see them.
    From the last article dealing with how to spot if your chic is an infidel from a mile away, this week I put forward my thoughts on how to be truly, phenomenally untamed and. Uncaught.

    6. Know your food points: Any player worth their salt knows their food points. One, because they have been out on so many dates that by sheer endurance they have moved the turf. I have a friend whose rule is this “If I take a girl out to eat ice-cream, she is going down!” it doesn’t matter how he does it, she has to eat his cream before she eats his ice cone! General prudence will recommend that you know at least Chinese, Thai, Italian, French, and African continental places. In Kampala, that’s basically all of them! Knowing how much these places charge off-head will always avert the dilemma of being caught out without enough cash but more importantly the psychological scarring that comes from those kinds of situations.

    7. Know your coffee houses: Unlike my friend above, you don’t want to ever be pinned as a routine fellow. Common practice dictates that a lady never expose herself to a guy for extended periods of time if she doesn’t know him well; even if her friends vouch for him. As a result of this, most first dates will be coffee dates. So knowing your coffee houses and price range estimates will definitely help you direct those awkward situations where she asks you to choose where to go. The main benefit is, for example, a single Mocha at Javas Café is a cool 6,000/= while the same badly made, poorly measured, and not as great cup of Mocha at Café Pap is 8,500/=!! You need to know these subtleties in case she [EVER]wants to eat cake!! If she decides to eat, know the full range of available, easy-to-reach, ambient spaces. Never screw up the coffee date. It helps if you know a waiter’s name.

    8. Be absolutely nonchalant about your phone: Being finicky about your cell phone triggers a red flag for women. Passwords, codes, Pins, or other access-restrictive measures to your phone always niggle and eventually set off psychotic behavior like a bitch checking your phone while you’re away. Be generous with your phone, be honest about when it does or does not have airtime. But most importantly, name every person in your phone by their full names. Why? Because if Melanie Ssali checks your phone and she finds Nakigembbe Emilie, she almost automatically assumes an unpretty, lanky, ugly woman, and therefore not too much competition. It also tends to glide over smoothly rather than Sasha or Shaniqua alone! The one thing you absolutely cannot afford to also do is be touchy, excited or even curious about her phone. It will precipitate interest in your phone.

    .... (TBC)

    Tuesday, July 20, 2010

    The Rules To Being a Player…. Part 1

    1.       Sensitivity about your phone: Be wary of the bird that is conscious about your phone. She knows when who calls and is always looking out for excuses for it to ring so she can “give” it to you. Not before looking at who is calling. This will trigger sensibilities and make you nervous but what will probably make anyone really nervous will be if you pretend to get into her phone. Have it in your hand when she walks into the room, when she asks you whether she can have it say you are still using it, when she says she wants to make a call give her you phone and tell her to use your phone.

    2.       Reference to friends in abstract terms: Anyone who refers to their friends in abstract terms, in generalities, and talks about them in broad strokes is more likely to be lying. This is because people who are close to us are so deeply ingrained in our psyche that often we can’t talk about them generally. When we talk about them, we normally like to set the context and have the story properly understood, so we’ll tell long stories just so the person we are talking about is understood. People who talk in generalities about a lot of people, are not necessarily indifferent, but might actually be withholding information, so you need to be careful what you are saying.

    3.       The 10 foot rule: I dated this girl who once said to me while at the cinema, “Spartakuss, you are applying the 10 foot rule!” when I asked what she meant, she said “It’s when you put an abnormal distance [10 feet] between yourself and me whenever we are in public”. I looked at her, standing in the elevator, before it closed me on the outside. I walked the rest of the way downstairs and found her waiting. It’s not being paranoid, but if whenever you are in public with someone and they seem to put inordinate spatial distances between you and them, watch it!

    4.       The friends rule: Contrary to what most people say/think, a salacious partner will introduce you to the core network of their friends. This circle will include “the boys”, “my buddies”, the now famous “so-and-so’s girlfriend” and the “I-know-her-from-somewhere”.   The last two are where the demon is. Keep your man’s friends close but his friends’ girlfriends closer. The reverse of this rule is to keep your friends away from whoever you are dating. They can hear about them but there should never be any obligations for the two to be introduced. Why? Because in fact as human beings we are inherently selfish, and a friend of mine once said you’d rather be “wisely selfish” than “selfishly wise”.

    5.       Your favourite restaurant: I was once seated at my favourite coffee restaurant, talking with the manager, when through the corner of my eye, she appeared. I hesitated, turned, smiled and beckoned that she should come over and be introduced. As she was coming, the manger looked at me and smiled, he was beginning to form the words around his mouth, “She is the new…”. I quickly said bye, left and met her half way across the restaurant where we sat down. I wasn’t going to stand for that whole “There’s a new one?” talk!! Before you share your space [read favourite restaurant] be sure the waiters, waitresses, and managers at the restaurant are on your side. Always.