Monday, April 27, 2009

The Morning After…

Say what you want but there is no denying the fact that the morning after is never what you expected the night before.

Case 1:

While you were having dinner and sipping wine she was looking at you from across the room. And you delayed the inevitable meeting for as long as possible. When eventually you got to talking to her, she asked "Does it always take you this long to act on something you like?" your response; "I am careful about what I want - because I always get what I want." She smiles knowingly and all through the evening seems flawless. The smiles, the laughter, the moment she touches your arm and leans into your ear "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." You're standing and so the suit you borrowed looks dashing on your frame. She looks up. Into your eyes, and there is no hiding it. She is floored! The final moment of the evening;

Where are do you stay?

Aaaahhh…..At my place?

Where is that?

Why, do you wanna come over?

No, so I can drop you…

We are going to yours, no?

And who can say no to that huh? Who? Anyway I don't know any son of a gun that would.

Resolution: So you get up in the morning and it then that you see that she has brown teeth and yes, she was wearing 4 ½ inch heels last night. But you are only 5'1"?! WTF?!

Case 2:

8:24pm: You are out having coffee with friends, chatting and jazzing[*distasteful word] about the connection between girls, really hot girls and coffee. Well that's another post altogether and all of a sudden the ex walks in. She smiles at you. Wonders where you've been all this time and how you've been! You smile back, do the introductions and tell her she is looking hot. Smiling quietly, she sits down and asks to wait with you. She is waiting for someone. It's fine. She orders. For a Double Mocha. The waiter says "I beg your pardon."

She repeats it "I want a Double Moochaa (read "ch" as in church and "aa" as in butt-'er' )." You bury your head in your cup and avoid eye contact with everyone on the table. You didn't tell her anything about your coffee habits while you were dating. Or how she is now on the cusp of never being accepted.

9:45pm: The restaurant is closing. It's been a great night, good conversation, awesome food. As you head out, "Ok, who am I dropping off and where?!" Everyone piles in and you drop them all off. She is riding shot-gun. After the last drop off she is still in the car, so you ask the million dollar question "And where might I drop you off?"

"You know where to drop me off", she says, looking at you in a sideways glance. At her place, you drop her off and, kiss her….

Resolution: You will be rudely reminded again why she is your ex. It was always the morning breath, and the fact that she couldn't wiggle her damn waist that made you leave her. Now you dun go and be treated to the same experience - AGAIN!

Case 3

The elegantly dressed lady across the table from you is clearly not from around here. The outfit looks severely planned. METICULOUS. Her hair, her nails, the almost transparent lip gloss, the peep-toe Gucci pumps and the wonder bra - that is now uplifting more than just her cleavage because the uplift has spread across the table into your pantaloons. SEXY. Cell phone ringing. "Mission Impossible" score ringtone. CLASSY. Picks up and starts talking. Beautiful speech, almost British. She is taking a Spanish omlette, black coffee and a glass of carrot juice. TRAVELLED

"Come down and join me for breakfast." Silence. "No its no bother at all. We'll have breakfast and then I can pass by the bank and pick half of the money now. You can collect the rest by end of business today. Aaaahh…wait, let me see…OK, I give you 12 million now and the 60% later? Good. Ok then so hurry up and join me then." RICH "Where? I'm down by the railway station. Opposite Rainbow Arcade, after Club Cascades, and Club Rouge. Yeah just down there you'll see it. There's a billboard saying *ghee TV *Lyve the game." LOCAL

The ambulance siren can be heard in the distance, you lie on floor, eyes rolled to the back of your head with the sausage you were eating lodged in your throat. The doctor says you can go home in the evening. Your sister says she'll come over and say hullo; see how you are doing. She'll come with a friend. She walks in. You pass out…

Resolution: 'The Ghee' is your sister's new found friend. And yes, money can't buy you everything.

Case 4:

You split after a long and drawn out battle. It was painful. The evenings, the mornings, the afternoon. You were in pain. You missed her. You cherished her. You loved her. Fighting everyday the decision to grovel and beg you had overcome the most treacherous period; the death zone. 6 months of hell, a broken heart and wallowing. It took every joule of energy, and cost every self-respecting friend. It was a time to never be forgotten.

But all of it did not hit you till the morning after. The day you woke up and there was no phone call or text, or IM or email. No contact. No her. That night had been the perfect night. Stars, a slight chill wind, the lights of the city in the distance, the trauma within much closer. The dark cloud hang like a guillotine on a fragile tether and when it fell, the fat lady had sung and I felt my soul in the toilet bowl, being flushed.

For the first time in years I woke up that morning without an erection.

No Resolution. Get the damn Erection back!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Limp . Dead . Men

So what really is the truth? Is the male libido really not as charged as we all like to believe (and if that’s the case what’s up with all those guys chasing girls all over the place) Or is it just a small group of guys who have evolved into a “not all about sex specie” I’d really like to know." is the final paragraph of the incurable romantic's ruminative post. For many years she held the view that men were vagina-eating, p***y-hunting beasts. Now in her candid discussions with guys, she finds out it’s not at all as it appears.

Excuse me briefly


*{Thundering slap delivered to B2B for smirking his lips and having that satiated grin on his face}

After reading the post I got to thinking, is it really true? has the age of the virile man come to its near end? Are we facing extinction as we know it? Has the end of an era finally come? I knew somewhere lurking in the back of my mind that this is what the dinosaurs must have felt when the ice age started.

Don’t get me wrong I believe men should be chivalrous, caring sensitive and tactful in this age and era of diplomacy

, but I also know that the age-old adage "Power recognizes Power" holds truer today than ever. Aggressiveness, brutishness, guile, sheer force, deception and immediate gratification; all classic male values; all more pronounced and as needed today as they were 200 hundred years ago when Europe was in turmoil. [Hail Napoleon!!]

Here is what worried me, a guy am an avid reader of, a guy who in many ways manages to contextualize my own conundrums in his writing said it too. right here:


I find that the suggestion or the promise of sex is much more of a turn on to me than the actual act. You might even have inferred that from the way I write about sex.

The thing about bachelor's conundrum or scribbles as he prefers to be called, is he has over the years grown to love the art of flirting. The moment you meet a new possibility. The smile. The chit chat. The thrill of the hunt. You, making the decision to take her number, she hoping to God that you'll call back.

And you, never calling back.

I think the Hollywood/Emancipation movement has gentrified the whole essence of 'the chase'. You know what I’m talking about. The chase. Because there is so much advice out there on the number of ways in which men deceive women and how chivalrous overtones often bear mind-blowing realities [no pun intended] has women on the edge being wary, sarcastic, and jaded. So men find themselves tired of the entire "Proving I am not like other guys" syndrome because in the end, women fall for the same old things...they've just learnt how to be politically correct.

They tell you they are looking for X but they are actually looking for Y:

1. Humor and wit = Dude you're broke but you got looks and are a tad funny.

2. Exposed = Wealthy, rich, traveled.

3. Well read= Rich family; powerful enough to have sent him to good schools.

4.Intelligent= Any guy shady or obtuse enough to half quote anything; or a genuinely intelligent guy.

5. Deep= A guy whose insecurities prevent him from being open (like all men) and whose coping mechanism is to be quiet. Hoping that asking no questions means you won’t be asked any.

6. Sexy= ( quiet! We all know they say they want the toned, ripped, six-pack mojo but) A guy who can get it up. Women like to be picky but in reality, they take what they get. Extra points if its visible that in her presence he kind of loses control of his appendage.

And so in the end 1,000 years of evolution and civil order have added nothing to us. Our women still want the boy whose father had more cows, who shrewdly conned the villagers out of their land or who has a reputation and many times , the new guy about whom no one knows a thing. And, if, like in those olden days, your rep won't let any girl in the village marry you, you go to the next village. Often this is explained away as "well, you might be related to everyone here" but really 'no girl in the village will marry your cheating, lying, two-bit, cheap-as-hell, wife-beating, ass'.

But the girl in the next village doesn't know that, so she will marry him.

Yeah we have grown tired of all the shenanigans that women put us through: the tears, the dough, the brain-cell-killing-crappy-music-playing-clubs, the friends[I mean do you have to be the hottest girl in your clique, always?], the forced abstinence. Its a challenge, the chase is good but frankly, after the Critical P***y Point (C.P.P.), we come to the realization that it all just tastes the same.

So we have evolved into an apathetic breed of men who just won't be bothered to hound out anything apart from football, status, money, the adoring look in the eyes of a woman who we know we do not deserve and will do nothing to keep, the promise of sex, and Prison Break {BTW dude, how do you pass up time with your girl to download PB? How?! *Slapping Dante and DK, who are strapped on chairs, repeatedly in righteous angst}

Till then.

PS: Do you know the reason why when you ask a Ugandan whether they eat matooke they just

Apparently Matooke has anti-depressants which kick in when the word "Matooke" is said. So they can't help it.

Explains all that Mzungu anger at the bland, pale looking plantain meal.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Makerere Faculty of Computing Partners with UBA on Mobile Banking Project.

As the world continues to shape and shift to accommodate the capricious changes in the info-tech world, it seems so are our own local business, communities and now educational institutions.

Makerere University Faculty of Computing and IT [CIT] partnered with the new-to-Uganda Nigerian-owned United Bank of Africa [UBA] on a pilot project for a mobile banking model the bank is in the stages of rolling out. The bank willl give out 120 phone sim cards to the students participating in the pilot.

Joseph Arinaitwe, the head of E-Banking at UBA Uganda said "We think students are an integral part of the economy. Their creativity, time and the fact that they have money makes them an important part of it. We are stress testing this in order to advance the move towards a cashless economy."

The pilot is meant to stress-test (a phrase used to mean to test the strength, reliability and ability to withstand heavy traffic) the system. The pilot is a joint collaboration between UBA and Warid Telecom Uganda. Now in direct competition with MTN's Mobile Money, the project seems to be an effort to fast track the Ugandan market seemingly in preparation for the Seacom subterranean fibre optic cable's advent anticipated in June this year.All telecom service providers will be aiming to provide the latest, up-to-date services where all services for customers will be on their mobie phones.

The bank's plan is to have all the other phone networks eventually carry the service as part of their profiles, and as a service.

The project, which involves transfer of virtual funds from one phone to another, is hosted by a secure server process and is approved by the Central Bank of Uganda.

The faculty's Head of Corporate Relations Mr. Michael Niyitegeka was on hand to give introductory remarks and explain the need for students in their move towards advancement to embrace new technologies that would eventually ease daily life and their business transactions.

"Eventually we would like you to be able to do everything like pay for food, restaurants, groceries, clothes, school fees and dues with this virtual money", Mr. Arinaitwe added.

Now in all fairness, I don't mean to be bitter, or sadistic, but how do we expect this to work in a country where there is no guaranteed power supply, a corrupt central exchequer, and with a significant section living under poverty the line?

I can see the appeal that Orange Telecom saw in Uganda [a country with over half its population below the age of 15! are you kidding?! Just give it 5-10 years as these tots all grow into adults and teenagers and not all of them can live in towns or have formal jobs] but for the love of me I cant visualize why anyone would want Mobile banking available to the drunkest nation on earth!!

Innovation will be the key term of the day and who better to set the trend than the University students of today who are the future citizens and taxpayers of tomorrow. The same way they revolutiuonalized the consumption of mineral water in Uganda, but that's a story for another day.

Till then, Go Uganda!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

E- Voting at Makerere University

The room is packed and the tension is high as girls line up to cast their votes for their different candidates. The candidates in turn throng the lines of voters reminding them constantly with little flyers and sweets and candies, more commonly known as “logistics”, to nudge voters to include their names on the list they, the voters, will be ticking. But this is no ordinary election. It is Makerere University’s very first election that is being conducted using the E-Voting System.

The online system that has the aspirants and their pictures entered into the system was built at the Makerere University faculty of Computing and IT (CIT) as part of the National Software Incubation Center’s first batch of projects to be incubated. After being turned out as project, the system has now turned into an application. It has seen its first daylight during the current SCR {senior Common Room} elections at the university and seems to be taking the pressure pretty well. The idea, according to Mr. Benon Jurua, the Chairman, Electoral Commission, was to make voting faster and easier while reducing the long queues that are so often a result of the slow ballot process.

Mr. Jurua Benon

“We see this system as an advantage because we are currently in the age of technology and no where is this technology more relevant as here. Even though it does not come with its challenges, this is a huge step in the nature of voting at the university. We hope that the other hall will cooperate to make the whole university process easier”, he said as he supervised elections at Mary Stuart Hall, at the University.

The system boasts of several advantages over the traditional ballot process. For one, it relies on the voter’s student number and because this is verified at the entrance by polling agents, it makes it nearly impossible for one person to vote twice unless they have two identity cards. The system then uses the student’s number on your identity card to generate n code, which then gives you access from any networked terminal in the voting area to the ballot paper. You tick the candidates of your choice and click VOTE and go. The whole process takes about 2-3 minutes.

With about 30 working terminals in the Mary Stuart Common Room, the place almost seems empty and yet the warden and the deputy Dean of Students for Makerere University both say the turn-up has been very high, unexpectedly so. Mrs. Buga Winifred, the Deputy Dean of Students said, “The voter turn out has been so low over the years because of the long lines, and the whole tallying process which sometimes goes on deep into the night. And there has been a constant worry and appeal about vote rigging and election malpractice. With this system we are hoping to attract people back to the polls to vote for the leaders they want.”

However because the system relies on electric power supply the constant load shedding has been a slight hindrance which Mr. Jurua Benon has been remedied by having a standby generator at all polling stations. The fact that the results are available within ten minutes of the conclusion of the voting process is perhaps the biggest relief this system will bring to the election landscape. But perhaps the biggest change is the sensitization process that must inevitably go into convincing the voters that the system is the way to go. Also perhaps more importantly but so often over looked, the fact that most students are not computer literate as the elections have shown.

There has been a lot of skepticism about the reliability of computer systems and while the system engineers at CIT led by Software Programmer and Developer Brian Kitaka have confidence in it, there seem to be mixed feelings about the infallibility of the system. So in the just conclude election the Voting processes, the system was used in the elections for the CIT student President; Mary Stuart, University Hall, Nkurumah, Nsibirwa, Africa, Livingstone, and Complex student halls of residence. It sis hoped that by the next election season, the system will be used in the Universiy Student Guild Elections.

Students using the E-Voting system in Mary Stuart.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Avenger Goats…

This is what Baz wrote.

Then I read this and I wondered why in life karma does not come to bite us in the arse. Literally.

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr. Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.
They ordered the man, Mr. Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," he said.
Mr. Alifi, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".
"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.


Moving swiftly on…


In response there arose some strong sentiments about people marrying goats in Islamic societies, because if elders can allow such behaviors then it carries a pseudo-authority with it. In revenge for this behavior the goat kingdom sat down and had a meeting as to how to pursue reparations for arse damages {or if you want restitution} and to inflict a similar if not even greater amount of humiliation on the human race than the initial infraction.

So they laid a plan. It was perfect. It was flawless. It was impeccable.

They found the right man for the job. They would send in "Ze Russian"

He would know what to do. He would take care of business.

Targets were identified and locations and chronographs synchronized. Never again. Never again would they and their kind suffer such humiliation again.

And so at the appointed time and at the agreed hour the "Ze Russian", draped in white, strolled into the venue and walked over to his victim




Now, now, don't get all finicky about this. It's all within reason. Right?