Monday, April 27, 2009

The Morning After…




Say what you want but there is no denying the fact that the morning after is never what you expected the night before.



Case 1:


While you were having dinner and sipping wine she was looking at you from across the room. And you delayed the inevitable meeting for as long as possible. When eventually you got to talking to her, she asked "Does it always take you this long to act on something you like?" your response; "I am careful about what I want - because I always get what I want." She smiles knowingly and all through the evening seems flawless. The smiles, the laughter, the moment she touches your arm and leans into your ear "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." You're standing and so the suit you borrowed looks dashing on your frame. She looks up. Into your eyes, and there is no hiding it. She is floored! The final moment of the evening;


Where are do you stay?

Aaaahhh…..At my place?

Where is that?

Why, do you wanna come over?

No, so I can drop you…

We are going to yours, no?

And who can say no to that huh? Who? Anyway I don't know any son of a gun that would.

Resolution: So you get up in the morning and it then that you see that she has brown teeth and yes, she was wearing 4 ½ inch heels last night. But you are only 5'1"?! WTF?!



Case 2:


8:24pm: You are out having coffee with friends, chatting and jazzing[*distasteful word] about the connection between girls, really hot girls and coffee. Well that's another post altogether and all of a sudden the ex walks in. She smiles at you. Wonders where you've been all this time and how you've been! You smile back, do the introductions and tell her she is looking hot. Smiling quietly, she sits down and asks to wait with you. She is waiting for someone. It's fine. She orders. For a Double Mocha. The waiter says "I beg your pardon."


She repeats it "I want a Double Moochaa (read "ch" as in church and "aa" as in butt-'er' )." You bury your head in your cup and avoid eye contact with everyone on the table. You didn't tell her anything about your coffee habits while you were dating. Or how she is now on the cusp of never being accepted.


9:45pm: The restaurant is closing. It's been a great night, good conversation, awesome food. As you head out, "Ok, who am I dropping off and where?!" Everyone piles in and you drop them all off. She is riding shot-gun. After the last drop off she is still in the car, so you ask the million dollar question "And where might I drop you off?"


"You know where to drop me off", she says, looking at you in a sideways glance. At her place, you drop her off and, kiss her….


Resolution: You will be rudely reminded again why she is your ex. It was always the morning breath, and the fact that she couldn't wiggle her damn waist that made you leave her. Now you dun go and be treated to the same experience - AGAIN!


Case 3


The elegantly dressed lady across the table from you is clearly not from around here. The outfit looks severely planned. METICULOUS. Her hair, her nails, the almost transparent lip gloss, the peep-toe Gucci pumps and the wonder bra - that is now uplifting more than just her cleavage because the uplift has spread across the table into your pantaloons. SEXY. Cell phone ringing. "Mission Impossible" score ringtone. CLASSY. Picks up and starts talking. Beautiful speech, almost British. She is taking a Spanish omlette, black coffee and a glass of carrot juice. TRAVELLED


"Come down and join me for breakfast." Silence. "No its no bother at all. We'll have breakfast and then I can pass by the bank and pick half of the money now. You can collect the rest by end of business today. Aaaahh…wait, let me see…OK, I give you 12 million now and the 60% later? Good. Ok then so hurry up and join me then." RICH "Where? I'm down by the railway station. Opposite Rainbow Arcade, after Club Cascades, and Club Rouge. Yeah just down there you'll see it. There's a billboard saying *ghee TV *Lyve the game." LOCAL


The ambulance siren can be heard in the distance, you lie on floor, eyes rolled to the back of your head with the sausage you were eating lodged in your throat. The doctor says you can go home in the evening. Your sister says she'll come over and say hullo; see how you are doing. She'll come with a friend. She walks in. You pass out…


Resolution: 'The Ghee' is your sister's new found friend. And yes, money can't buy you everything.


Case 4:


You split after a long and drawn out battle. It was painful. The evenings, the mornings, the afternoon. You were in pain. You missed her. You cherished her. You loved her. Fighting everyday the decision to grovel and beg you had overcome the most treacherous period; the death zone. 6 months of hell, a broken heart and wallowing. It took every joule of energy, and cost every self-respecting friend. It was a time to never be forgotten.


But all of it did not hit you till the morning after. The day you woke up and there was no phone call or text, or IM or email. No contact. No her. That night had been the perfect night. Stars, a slight chill wind, the lights of the city in the distance, the trauma within much closer. The dark cloud hang like a guillotine on a fragile tether and when it fell, the fat lady had sung and I felt my soul in the toilet bowl, being flushed.


For the first time in years I woke up that morning without an erection.


No Resolution. Get the damn Erection back!!