Sunday, January 18, 2009

Yeah! Save Yourselves. Don't Get a Girlfriend.



After this girl wrote this, I read it with some trepidation hoping for some insight into my aversion to relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in one night stands, just not for the same reasons the bee does.

Like her, I know I a lot of people, but unlike her I hang alone, drink alone and play individual sports; pool, darts and swimming. At first it was a bit weird, but in time I realized, it’s the way of the wolf; the lone hunter. You get laid faster, with less collateral, minimize cock blockers and you can be a different professional every night. Tonight you are a banker, next day a development ethicist, a medical student, a gynecologist, a beauty & fashion consultant. Hell, I was once a four professions in one night!

My qualms with this here fille, and quite contrarily, to the girlfriend [used universally to apply to all girls who want to be tagged as such] phenomenon are:

1. They don’t act like wives. They act like your mother. They smother. And not to say men don’t like a little attention, but “Honey, how is your day?” after the other 20 texts that asked the same question that I replied is pretty inundating. Makes me want to stab my eye out with a blunt fork.

  • They share your bed. As a classic one-night-stander I have found out that, the most frequent question before you take her home is almost “Where do you stay?” The question I always ask is “Where are you going to stay?” When I was in college, depending on roommate-climate-updates, I would just end up at her place [There was always something about university halls being filthy]. That, coupled with my sympathetic notations on my concern for her doing the walk of shame, the fact that she could clean up easily, and quickly whispering that I was going to make her sweat plasma later, while we danced the last dance before exiting nearly almost always swung the night to her place. If a girl suspects she is going to get it good, she'll prefer its on home territory. That is, unless she is your girlfriend. They like to end up at yours.
  • In most cases, a one-night-stander-vixen does not cuddle. The girlfie, she cuddles you like you got a bulls eye painted on your body.
  • NB: Girls hate to sweat and wake up in the morning to their sweat-caked selves. The smell of left over pussy from last night doesn’t exactly tickle most girls so the first thing they do is wash it and serve it for breakfast. But the girlfriend?! She'll serve it again, without the wash!



2. When a guy gets up on the weekend he likes to lounge in his boxers and watch TV and finish a series he's been putting off. He doesn’t like to think of breakfast at 9:00am. No. He likes to have his breakfast at 11:00am [without brushing] so he can have/skip lunch easily at 3:00 before the soccer game. Now that kind of behavior guys can tolerate from each other. When the girlfie comes in and adopts it, its just tacky,and filthy.And amazingly, she'll always adopt it. She'll stop brushing before bed, and ask you to have breakfast at 9:00 so she can go to the saloon. If you want him to have breakfast at 9/10 honey, you’ll have to bring it indoors.



3. Guys generally do not clean up. Its because we like our spaces the way we leave them. The spoon is left in the dirty cup so that it can be reused and so that it doesn't get lost. The option is to put it in the sink and throw it out in the dish water which will = no spoon. So. Dirty spoon > No Spoon.

4. In my dating experience, its really cool when a guy is aloof. We meet at a hang out, I play my pool, you can bump and be ground by any other bloke. You are grinding; I’m making sure you have drinks, and I know am getting laid. Simple logic. However the fact is that chics don’t want a guy who doesn’t give a crap. They date you so you can give a crap. I’m almost going to have sex on the dance floor with one of my definitely-hotter-than-you-girl-friends but because there’s no sex involved, but she don’t know it, she’ll climb the wall in fury and/or jealousy.Girlfie Psych 101. Freakin’ insecurities!

  • The foxy mama one nighter?, she don't give a damn as long as she gets laid. oh yeah and the rubber.

5. You get slightly mushy and you suggest a night out; dinner, drinks and something you both like [which really is a fallacy-even born-again brothers like to watch action movies, football and talk about the sexy girl in class]. She texts her friends about your location. They show up and everyone is gossiping about something you have no idea about. You excuse yourself to play pool so she and her cronies can have breathing space to yak themselves into spasms. You find a old buddy; he has a stray on him.

  • Coffee? Yeah. Flash me. You return. Honey, I can’t find my phone, help me with your phone so I can flash it. You give it. Who’s number is this? Who the fuck’s number is this?! WTF?! Who is this? Hullo, this is Spartakuss’s phone, I’m his girlfriend, when did you give him your number? Tonight? Thanks. You are fucking your hand tonight.



6. Go through my phone. Mostly surnames; Asiimwe, Mukasa, Mubiru, Achieng, Atubo, Nakittyo, Mwesigwa. Some cultural names are asexual and other girls are named after their fathers. Cool. When a girlfie goes through your phone [especially if she considers you a real find] she wonders who all the girls in your phone are. And when you get the time to call them all. Is that why you don’t call her as much? The ex who boiled my cat, while we were still dating, erased all potentially threatening names. So went Miranda, Christabel, Belinda, Yvette, Yvonne, Shirley, Samantha, Rhona, Noela and all 13 Lindas!



7. Guys never damp a chic unless there is another woman in the picture. Yes. Just coz you don’t know about her doesn’t mean she's not there. She exists. Now women never realize that if they don’t act psycho a guy will come back. But girlfies do. Act psycho. Personally, I never go back. It’s disrespectful to the girl, and its exposes you to the side effects of the angry-and-revengeful-sex she’s been having. She might have learnt to bite and scratch in the 1 week you were gone. Great in bed. Terrible for the shower after. I am liked for my smooth skin, and that doesn’t keep well under constant nail-digging, biting and scratching.Hence my, no dating Kenyan Girls Policy. One night only please.



8. Now the thing about stay-at-homes, married[s], or baby-mamas, as I’ve discovered, is that no matter how hard you try, they are too much work. They have curfew, they think you are always cheating on them, even though you know their husband is banging them every night. The one night they get out, they expect you to put your whole life on hold. Even though they will not bloody put out!!! WTF is it with these women!?!

  • Solution: find them out, bang them, and then screen their numbers.

  • Learn a new habit: Never answer numbers you don’t know.



And yes I hope this answers all you big teases.