Uganda Bloggers 7 Day Challenge:The 4 Stages of Mentorship: A Quick Exploration Of The Inevitable Conflict Between Mentors & Their Charges

Back when I was but young and naïve I was mentored by a young man who was only but slightly older than I was and who my friends derisively called “The Shark”. He was in the 95^th percentile of intelligence of anyone I had known at the time. Even to this day, The Shark is in the top 5 most intelligent people in the world I have met. He was astute. He worked like a demon. He was driven. He was many things to many people but above all he was torrentially unrelenting. He would not quit and could not be out performed. He wore you down with the sheer amount of energy and work output he brought to a single project or even a conversation. These things made him unbeatable but also unforgiving. Of any insurrection or disloyalty. Or any perceived slight done to him.

He was what I wanted to be. I attended law school so I could learn how he thought. I dated law school girls so I could see women through his eyes. I even went as far as mimicking his gestures to achieve the demagogue like – power he held over rooms when he spoke. Oh, how had I been patient.

One day as we walked from his hostel to Wandegeya to get some rolex for supper he said something to me “There are 4 stages to any mentorship Identification, Bonding, Conflict, Resolution. We are heading into the conflict zone. Be prepared.” I was confused so I asked him and what follows is the transcript of that relationship.

Identification: There is a stage where the mentor and the mentee evaluate each other. Each one assessing their prey. Each one thinking they have the advantage on the other. The mentor driven by some egoistic need to impress upon someone young their skills and their wisdom. The desire to get unquestioned loyalty and attention. The mentee thinks he has found a gold mine. Where he can learn without question, slack without rebuke and be treated with favour without end. At some point in this stage the decision is made to enter this dance to the death.

Bonding: The bonding process was essential as after discovery the mentor and mentee got to know each other, spent inordinate amounts of time with each other. The mentor sees all their own promise and achievements in the mentee while the mentee hopes that they can be up to and maybe even more than the mentor. They will adopt their mentor’s speech patterns, diction, choice of reading material and even dress elements or overall approach to fashion (grungy, rugged, formal, sharp, clean cut, etc) It was in this space that the critical mistake of crossing boundaries was always bound to occur. For the mentee, it was out of naiveté but for the mentor the decision was almost always borne out of some misguided sense that they could trust the mentee and after all, if they were “showing them the ropes” why couldn’t they “let them in”. The result was a mismatch between expectations and reality. This is of course naturally aided by the process that it’s only the people who you care about who can hurt you.

Conflict: And then it finally came. It’s confusing that people who can be so obsessed with each other can so quickly devolve into near mortal enemies. Why? Because in most cases what draws people into mentor mentee relationships is what revolts them against each other. In the bonding process above the “deep dive’ that happens allows people to look deep and what they often see is a reflection of themselves. And they don’t like that. They quickly notice traits that are way to familiar with, either taking advantage of others, a mean streak, a penchant for exploitation, taking others for granted, a knack for ingratitude, etc. These things trigger a separation of swift and decisive proportions.

Resolution: In the time apart both parties think evaluate and weigh the mentorship and what it could do for them. Whenever the mentee repents (as the mentor has no need to and will never feel the need to and more importantly is bound for the sake of the relationship dynamic never to apologize) and sees the folly of their ways, they re-approach, this time with the hindsight of wisdom and the cautious shield of distance; careful to never be too clingy or appear too eager or too keen. Tempered. Tamed. Mentored.

Today I have mentors but I make the deliberate effort not to work with them. On projects yes, over the long haul definitely not. Because they are human. Because they are fallible. Also, idols like mentors are better seen on a pedestal and never up close. Whether that is because to not show the cracks in the idol or the flaws in the mentor, it’s a practice that serves to protect both of them.

The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 3

In this running series we here at Spartakuss now unload part 3 of an insightful, revealing, and exciting series. I'll keep running this column from time to time as time, experience and pussy permit. 

9.  Have a Regular Routine: I once saw this one in a movie. The quintessential playboy will have things in his life that “cannot” be moved. They can range from attending 9:00AM mass, to always having Sunday lunch at your parents’, to “I always have my first dates at…”, or “on Mondays I only drink 2 beers”. It has to be a quirk that makes you distinct. Why? Because no matter what happens, when you are “known” to have quirks, breaking them for someone always gives them a sense of “power” over you. Good quirks built wonderful behaviours like being out of bed before sunrise, always opening doors for your dates, seeking to pleasure more than you are pleasured, always buying air time before you got bed, watching half Price Tuesday movies, buying fresh market produce. They build strong character attributes and define the resolve the man needs to build the substance of himself. The Man's biggest challenge today is to be the kind of man he is required to be without the requisite self-reflection. Look inside, built 2 traits. They might even be to always wank off before you get with a chic so your first round takes longer or  don't sleep with chic until you have seen what she looks like fresh outta bed. This is a great source of emotional capital which will always be helpful in the future when tackling your “uncompromising behavior”

9.  Be uncompromising: Sitting down and thinking about what you want out of life and people is very key to maintaining your position of strength and control. A man who controls what he says/does and is generally very firm with himself and the people around him is considered attractive. 

 Not only to the women in his life but also to the women who he has kept out of his life by virtue of his firmness. Sure they will cry arrogance and prudish behavior but in the end they will deal with the fact that if he doesn’t know you, he has no obligations to you.  His ability to choose who he exposes his person to, his selection of how he spends his time but mostly the rigour that he addresses himself with subconsciously communicates to women that he is "in control", which is also very attarctive.  

 Under this guise, you can be bigoted, brutal, judgmental and even obnoxious just because you are thinking something about someone and your principal is to call it like you see it. most people will use it o create humoour and  enhance social experiences. The shock and horror of meeting an “honest” guy induces an intoxicating feeling of need for “repeated exposure”. Also because you have stated something as something “ you don’t do”, no one will ever force you to do it and on the other hand when you eventually end up doing it, you’ll get credit for doing something you don't do. Now you know why I don’t do weddings.  

10.Be Good at Something: It is not just enough to have a penis or a vagina as your life tool of choice. Even though you could, some people argue that it wears thin after use in various positions and insertions. It is good to have a skill; cooking, an extra  language, drawing, playing an instrument, your work, figures and numbers, travel, health. Something that people who know you, whether they hate you or like you know as  a fact! You only have to do it really well. This makes you a social accessory and whenever you are called on to step up, you choose your strength and exert it ruthlessly. Step on toes if you must but ensure that you are absolutely impeccable. It becomes a touch point; like a blinding white light to which moths get drawn. This will draw lots of trash of course, but it increases your sample space to select the truly fine butterflies. Also it helps you be more than just a pretty face. Naturally it would be more advantageous if you were good at more than one thing!  

11. Be Predictably Unpredictable: While most people resonate with the idea of being unpredictable, they often take it as a sign of being dodgy… And it is. Stable, attractive men are predictable. 

• They have a semblance of routine. The reason why young girls get with older, mature, married men is not only because of the money they get but also because of the fact that they are predictable.  
• They will not get up one day and run away to Capé Verde with nubile young thing. 
• They don’t hang out on weekends. 
• When you bump into them, they will be with their wives and then they will have never seen you. EVER! 
• They are married men but are seeing you which means they will whine and bitch but that’s predictable because if they were with you and weren’t bitching about their wenches, you’d have a crisis on your hands. 
•  

What is more generally recommended is to always make your dates on time, and if your date is late the first time say nothing of the matter. On the second date, be there early and if they are still late, text and say you’re gone, leave and switch off your phone. Have a drink and put it back on two hours later. If they call to say they are sorry, you’re home dry, if not it was good riddance to bad trash you didn’t need in your life anyway. Also, a woman who tolerates your constant lateness doesn't consider the damage she is doing to herself - Leave her. What this does is establish a paradigm frame in which a woman’s mind will perceive you. Trust me. It is a good paradigm, unless you are into flippant, rowdy, dirty, unkempt girls.  

12. Never Ever! Discuss Money: No matter how much you feel close to this woman, discussing your money while it is a powerful selling point in the beginning isn’t exactly the stuff “Lock Stock and Barrel” is made of. This is mainly due to the fact that life is capricious and unpredictable. Knowing that there are some people for whom you will go the distance and there are others for whom you will not lift a finger is essential in determining who knows whether your finances are in order or not. Information is power and knowing that about you gives people power. The girl of your dreams will not walk into your life and ask for something you could easily afford if she doesn’t know who or what you are/have. On the other hand once you are pegged, it lowers your game status, since you are considered "decoded", and eventually your general ranking. Not discussing money also enables you to talk unfettered about your dreams and things you would like to accomplish; painting the dream, vision and horizon as, and how you like.

.... T.B.C. 

The Rules of Being a Player ... Part 2

No matter where you go, people of the world behave the same. This is sometimes accredited to their personality types. Nearly every other girl you talk to will tell you are some type of personality type or other. Sometimes they will mix you up and therefore someone will have the balls to say you are melo-sanguine. I maintain that people are the same in the way they deal with normal human relations. Its just the way we interpret their reactions that affects the way we see them.

From the last article dealing with how to spot if your chic is an infidel from a mile away, this week I put forward my thoughts on how to be truly, phenomenally untamed and. Uncaught.

6. Know your food points: Any player worth their salt knows their food points. One, because they have been out on so many dates that by sheer endurance they have moved the turf. I have a friend whose rule is this “If I take a girl out to eat ice-cream, she is going down!” it doesn’t matter how he does it, she has to eat his cream before she eats his ice cone! General prudence will recommend that you know at least Chinese, Thai, Italian, French, and African continental places. In Kampala, that’s basically all of them! Knowing how much these places charge off-head will always avert the dilemma of being caught out without enough cash but more importantly the psychological scarring that comes from those kinds of situations.

7. Know your coffee houses: Unlike my friend above, you don’t want to ever be pinned as a routine fellow. Common practice dictates that a lady never expose herself to a guy for extended periods of time if she doesn’t know him well; even if her friends vouch for him. As a result of this, most first dates will be coffee dates. So knowing your coffee houses and price range estimates will definitely help you direct those awkward situations where she asks you to choose where to go. The main benefit is, for example, a single Mocha at Javas Café is a cool 6,000/= while the same badly made, poorly measured, and not as great cup of Mocha at Café Pap is 8,500/=!! You need to know these subtleties in case she [EVER]wants to eat cake!! If she decides to eat, know the full range of available, easy-to-reach, ambient spaces. Never screw up the coffee date. It helps if you know a waiter’s name.

8. Be absolutely nonchalant about your phone: Being finicky about your cell phone triggers a red flag for women. Passwords, codes, Pins, or other access-restrictive measures to your phone always niggle and eventually set off psychotic behavior like a bitch checking your phone while you’re away. Be generous with your phone, be honest about when it does or does not have airtime. But most importantly, name every person in your phone by their full names. Why? Because if Melanie Ssali checks your phone and she finds Nakigembbe Emilie, she almost automatically assumes an unpretty, lanky, ugly woman, and therefore not too much competition. It also tends to glide over smoothly rather than Sasha or Shaniqua alone! The one thing you absolutely cannot afford to also do is be touchy, excited or even curious about her phone. It will precipitate interest in your phone.

.... (TBC)

The Rules To Being a Player

Last week I listened to Rick Dee’s countdown of the greatest hits of the decade on Touch 95‘N’9. I couldn’t believe some of the music he had on there. Some really cool stuff. Anyway somewhere between hit number 12 and hit number 11, Ashley calls in form somewhere in California and this is how the conversation goes

Ashley: “Hi Rick, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I was wondering if you can tell me how I can confirm this.”

RD: “Well, Ashley, these are absolutely 5 ways to know if your boyfriend is cheating on you.

1.       There is no longer any intimacy between you and him, either emotionally or physically.

2.       He never answers his phone when you are with him.

3.       He doesn’t communicate with you as often as he used to.

4.       He is suddenly irritable and easily offended.

5.       He is suddenly less predicatble.

Well, Ashley, I hope we were able to answer your question right there. What made you think your boyfriend was cheating on you?

Ashley: “Thanks, Rick. …ahhh nothing I just found him in the shower with my sister”

I got to thinking, what it is about a cheating guy that does give him away. In a recent relationship, she came back from a night out with her friends in the middle of the night. While I snored away she checked my phone, and in there saw material that was the cause of a fractious discussion.

She asked closed ended questions like “Are you seeing someone else?” in classic Spartakuss style, I replied, “I don’t answer close ended questions”. She felt this was too arrogant. She figured because she and checked my phone and found “evidence” she’d got it right, and I should cower in utter despondence.

She then proceeded to pack all my things all the while muttering under her breath how she had had enough and that she wouldn’t stand to this anymore. With pride and sense of deep admonition I dressed up asked, “Do you expect me to leave now”?

“You can take your things whenever you want. I’m done with you.”

As I left, I thought about it, what truly are the hallmarks of a player?

Ladies and Gentlemen, from Spartakuss Media we present: The Top 15 Signs/Symptoms:

...coming soon... 

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