Johnnie Walker Ambassador

The Spartan with Christopher

I recently found myself standing next to and talking to Christopher Othieno. One of only two men in the region known as Johnnie Walker Ambassadors. A peerless connoisseur, and a teacher by training, Othieno is a fine speaker. Kenyan-born. Standing in his presence feels like a lot of the things I know matter little to the man I wanted to become. He has class, is irreverent, takes no hostages, and does what he does ruthlessly.

As we talked about how he was selected to become an ambassador, from his stay in Scotland, to his endeavours to teach a timeless tradition of exclusivity, passion, pursuit of excellence and desire for recognition, I see in this man a lot of the things I want to be, or at least , i hope to become.

As the end of the evening draws nigh, I see him gleam like a pastor preaching to new converts; like a mentor to a fresh batch of proteges. He is steady, firm, unflinching and a damn good speaker!

I think about mentors and proteges and how possibly the greatest mentor I have ever admired might leave me soon. The idea that the one person for whom you would move half the world will just up and go - creating panic, insecurity, heartache and disrepute looms over me. Like an axe over Antoinette.

I muse on the preponderance that if nothing else I will learn to be the best if nothing at all. But its not enough. Its not enough that they teach you to be the best. The movies lie to us when they say mentors hate their proteges outwardly but secretly love them. Mentors should be your friends, care about you enough to try and avoid breaking your heart. This is betrayal, of a high calibre, and there will be recriminations.

I look again at Christopher and I understand his dilemma. Tomorrow he will be on a flight back home and he might never remeber any of what happened here tonight. But for this chance I will to speak with him and ask him why he is the Ambassador for the Johnnie Walker Striding Man Society.

What drives him to be part of something so exclusive that even the people who should be part of it don't even know it exists? It is a society of men who appreciate that life is not easy but they have done their due diligence and paid their dues. Now they sit and 'exhale' [is what my mentor called it] and say

"I might not have achieved all my goals and targets but for today I will rest here and start tomorrow." They are driven by the idea that through perseverance any dream

ANY DREAM

can be realised.

We love our mentors. We are loyal. We are diligent because we believe in them; sometimes more than in ourselves. They have found their light and we hope that maybe, just maybe, we can borrow their light too; just a glimmer. But alas, we never can.

No We Can't

The New Job:

I am at a new job. Yes a new job, new colleagues, new beauties, new competition. The thing you enjoy about an old job is the competition is kinda taken care of. You have accepted the guy who has more game and you have completely trampled on the guys whose game isn’t even close to you.

I walk in every morning and think about how work will be so much fun and when I leave in the evening I want to drink a human’s spinal fluid coz it’s the only thing that will assuage my ravaged spirit. I feel violated. I feel like everything I believe in is sapped out everyday. So now to find a bitch whose spinal fluid to suck out. For those of you who are spineless, don’t worry, I won’t even come close.

But while on the subject of a new job I have wanted to post this SMS a friend of mine sent me a couple of weeks ago when she joined a foreign mission of one of the North African countries stationed here in Uganda. It read:

“Hi Buddy, meant to call you but no % (MTN ZONE) so it was not worthwhile. The new place is depressing, have to carry my own food, water TP!, no internet allowed, no flash disks, loo for Ugandans’ DIRRTY. No prospects for future development, no challenging work, just faxing, filing, photocopying and answering phone. Need another job.”

I looked at that text for so long that I begun to examine why the hell I had a job and was not just at home eating food and waiting for the big break where my creativity would earn me a million bucks. Then I think about how the Mrs. would throw me out faster than a used ******* (those of you who know my gutter mind can complete that but just in case you don’t, it completes as “douche bag”)

Anyways to all of you who are looking to change jobs, just think twice before your new boss wears the condom to screw you over.

Hostile Take - Overs

I went to attend some church thing recently. Now bro starts talking to me about God and how I view my life. Now to those of you who don't know the Spartakuss very well, I don't do church. Haven't been in a long time. I had made this trip to check out a certain beauty who had floored my wingman.

I walk in, do the tour and then they say 'one-on-one' time.

I look at this guy and say

"So……….." he smiles perches himself on a stool and peers at me through a rimless set of glasses. Looks mindless too.

"What do you want to do with your life?" he asks, seemingly amused. I tell him. I am working on a good master plan, to be the best Spartakuss can ever be and thus shatter the Spartakuss mould; which is based on the premise that i will live a valiant life and die an unrecognized death or be an unsung hero.

"I'll do whatever it is that will make me the best I can be," comes the clipped reply.

Dude looks at me. Perplexed. Yeah right nigger looks like he just got a bolt of lightning running through his trousers. It's so funny. I smile and I decide to tell him my theory on God and why for the time-being he and I are on the back burner.

I am the CEO of a company called 'My Life Ltd. '. I hire and fire. I promote and demote. In this company, I am the only one who molests the secretaries and gets away with it. I am also default head of all committees. However, I currently don't have a planning and budget control committee for the explicit reason that I fired them all. We work as a team, we shine together, numskulls wanted to show me up. The only committee I don't chair by default is the Pleasure and Satisfaction committee.That's handled by visiting experts. When Ceremonies committee meets or is receiving awards, the team effort is shared all around. Very synergy-driven, motivated, and one a man fighting arsenal. This company is built to last.

Let me tell you about this God guy on the other had.

He is the CEO of a large conglomerate called 'The Universe' Intergalactic. He runs his business on a nearly tyrannical business model. He, like me can hire and fire. Where I make small talk with the long-legged interns at the water cooler, dude makes chit chat to raven haired women by the spring, asking them to fetch him water and whatnot. He uses extreme manipulation to get his things sorted out.

Like the one guy he sent on a mission to retrieve a posse of his stock. Agent M gets the flock out of the enemy's territory and then instead of the express pick up train, the CEO decides on another 40 years of wondering while had the mail service deliver pittances in the form of sweet manna. My suspicion is that he didn't have enough remunerations so he wanted to cut down on numbers. Cut-throat I tell you.

And you can't judge me for feeling up young nubile things; ask him what happened with the Nazarene debacle. Dude felt up one intern with NO protection!! ! ! Who does that? And then coz the company threatened to fall apart he pulled the plug on a military plan he was working on to promote the aforesaid intern to be the mother of all mothers. Needless to say the Russian woman who has given birth to 59 kids isn't in the running.

And he is a bully. Its one thing to be insecure, it is another to say "I am a jealous CEO," or God, whatever you guys wanna call it. Did no one tell this guy that guys with small "things" buy big cars and failed fathers announce their arrival at home? He watched as, in middle management the David kid, a mere rookie rocked an age-old stalwart. I think finance failed to process Goliath's pension because of such a quick dispatch. And nobody said a thing.

And because of these and so many more reasons I am not interested in any stock this guy's company has to offer. He will begin talking of kneeling, begging and accountability books. He might even demand I subscribe to the nearest stock broker, who, going by current news might attempt to pulveroize my sphincter. My company is in good shape on any stock market, ask my Auditor. He, on the other hand needs to get his Climate Change, Middle East, Bahima legs, Basoga and PMS departments in shape, damn sectors are bleeding too fucking much.[no pun intended]

But more importantly why I won't even show up to those talks is because he is not interested in talking. He does not talk. He does not do mergers. He does not do splits or reverse-end engineering. He's in the business of hostile take-overs.

*PS: I gotta give the guy kudos for finally growing a pair and taking care of that Michael scenario. That shit could have harmed the worship market.

Fashion Tips

I was reading The Seductress Within and she wrote an article where she said 'women dress for other women and not men.' In giving advice to women who are just dressing to attract men, she put out a couple of pointers on what men really think about "too much clutter".

The line below caught my eye and made laugh very hard.

 If there are too many zippers, ties, buttons, straps…..it's distracting and he will be intimidated thinking of how to get it off of you. Even if you don't want to sleep with him, you want him to imagine it.

I keep thinking about our Kampala fashionistas; all looking skunky and anorexic hanging around Mateos' attempting the hip look.